Friday, March 1, 2013

4 Stages of Pre-Dawn Runs

5 AM: Alarm buzzes, I mumble unintelligible obscenities and flip the alarm off (err, I mean turn it off as alarms cannot recognize middle fingers).  As I look out the window I see a few things. First, a very marked lack of sunlight. Second, cold. Yes I know you don’t see cold, but trust me, I can see it is as cold as those things in the picture outside. Also, warm blankies. So why in God’s name would I get up and do anything when I don’t need to. The answer is simple, I am bat-shit insane. I am ok with that though. To help me cope with that, and maybe help others understand this affliction I have put together my ‘4 Stages of Pre-Dawn Runs’. They are as follows:

Blind Drowsy Rage

What?!?!?! Why in the hell am I up this early when I don’t need to. Oh you’re kidding me, I actually set this alarm? Why? I wanted to do WHAT? Run? It’s like 20 degrees outside, and dark. Come on, it’s so warm in here, and I am tired, and the kids were up late, and I got to work. Aww man, I got to get up and get clothes on? Yep. That is how early morning runs start. Suffice it to say, it takes a bit of willpower to not take a sledge to the alarm and go back to sleep in that cozy bed. Furthermore, now I gotta pack a bit of food and water in too. Ugh. It’s way too early for these kinds of shenanigans. Alas, I am up now, fine, let’s do this. BUT I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

Dark Drowsy Denial

I am not really out here starting my run am I? Jeebus it is cold out. Can I go back to bed and get another hour of sleep? Please? No? Fine. Let’s go. Still not happy about it. Man it is dark out, I hope an equally drowsy driver doesn’t mistake me for a Starbucks and drive right through me. I have no rhythm in my strides, even Elaine is cringing at my awkwardness. Man this street is dark, if I don’t make it out of here alive I hope my family knows I love them. So I have started my run and things are still stiffer than a double shot of cheap whiskey, straight, no chaser. Yet still, onward I trudge. At least very few people are out and about to see me lumber along. Oh, and don’t mind me huffing and puffing with morning breath.

Fine, I am Running Now When Can I Stop?

Seriously? I chose this? It’s cold out. I could be sleeping. I haven’t even had my coffee yet. Did I mention it was cold out? What time is it? How far have I gone? Can I be done now? Well, crap I still have to get home. Well, I guess that means I can’t stop. Oh, and it is still cold out. I bet I look like a big icicle. So, I have gone for a good while and begrudgingly it hasn’t been the end of the world and maybe it is almost ok. I keep looking to see when I will be done, but occasionally a few minutes go by where I don’t even pay attention to the fact that I am running. Just know that I am moving and it doesn’t feel so bad. Is it possible that I chose…wisely?

Wow, that was a hell of a run

Wait, sorry, I haven’t been paying attention for the last 15. How far have I gone? And how long? Well that is faster than my average time. So wait, this was a good run? And did you see that sunrise? That was amazing! Yeah. Fine. Ok. It was TOTALLY worth it. Now I am going to have that awesome sore for the day. That one you knew would remind you that you did something awesome. Who needs coffee now? Ok, fine, it wasn’t that amazing. Regardless. I should totally do this again tomorrow…


And so the cycle goes. The 4 stages set to begin anew tomorrow.


  1. Haha dead on! Although mine usually end with, "Crap. 30 minutes to shower and be out the door. GO GO GO!".

  2. mine is what crazy chaos is going on when I get home. tornado children have surely wrought havoc on their mother haha.